The most annoying cards in FIFA 16 Ultimate Team
FIFA Ultimate Team has cast a spell on all of us, it seems. Why do we keep playing it? It's not for the tactics, or the chemistry links, or even the matches. The elusive promise that in-form Cristiano Ronaldo might be in the next pack, or Pelé might be just around the corner, is enough to spur us on, playing one more match to pull together enough coins for one more pack.
But inevitably, the next pack contains no Pelé, no Ronaldo, no Lionel Messi. According to the card weighting system used by UltimateDB, you probably have more chance of a decent lottery win than you do of getting purple Ronaldo – FIFA's rarest card – in a pack. More likely you just get a load of dross to quick-sell back for measly few coins in return.
Even worse, you might have just had one of these 11 players, in which case, we feel your pain. It's not that at any of them are bad – not by a long shot – but we see seem to see these particular faces all too often.
GK – Willy Caballero
Manchester City's back-up 'keeper isn't going to do you any favours. For starters, his 78 rating isn't going to cut it in your starting XI – rather unfair on Caballero himself, who was an excellent 'keeper at Malaga before he accepted a bench-warming position at the City of Manchester Stadium. More importantly, you can count yourself pretty unlucky to have got an Argentinian Man City player that isn't Nicolas Otamendi, Sergio Agüero, Pablo Zabaleta or even Martin Demichelis. Never mind, eh?
CB – Marcelo
You got Marcelo! Probably not the best one, though. By process of elimination, you either got 75-rated centre-back Marcelo (Hannover 96), or 77-rated centre-back Marcelo (Rio Ave FC). The bad news is that neither is anywhere near as rapid as the actual Marcelo (Real Madrid). The good news? Technically, you did just pack Marcelo, so feel free to make a clickbait video about that on YouTube.
CB – Kolo Touré
Haha, unlucks, you got the wrong Touré. It's happened to all of us. As well as not matching up to brother Yaya, he's slower than Marcelo 75, too, but at least he still has his tackling stats intact. That means you've basically got one chance to make a tackle and, if you miss, you've probably just shipped a goal thanks to Willy Caballero in goal. This is shaping up nicely, isn't it?
CB – Rolando
You're going to need another centre-back to shore up the defence, and boy do we have the guy for you. Portuguese CB Rolando is an Ultimate Team legend – he's been tricking us into thinking we just packed Ronaldo for years, and now he'll be a steadfast part of your immovable back line. To put that immovability into context, Rolando couldn't be less like CR7 with an acceleration stat of just 31. Thirty-one! You'd best have him well-positioned.
RB – Damián Suárez
Don't get us wrong, Damián Suárez is actually a top-notch player. He's reasonably quick and physical, and his other stats are high enough to earn a place in many starting line-ups. But he absolutely deserves his spot in this team simply for being a Uruguayan called Suárez but not being the shoulder-gnashing, goal-bashing Luis Suárez, who is rightfully one of this year's most valuable Ultimate Team cards.
LB – Jaume Costa
Again, we'd have no issue with Jaume if he just changed his surname. In the meantime, fate absolutely insists on serving him up instead of his more in-demand namesake Diego of Chelsea, who sells for a decent amount of coins on auction. Oh well. He has a decent stamina stat at least, which will surely come in useful for the 90 minutes he'll spend on your bench.
CM – Mateo Kovacic
Ultimate Team, you tease. Such is the way that UT reveals cards in FIFA 16, the first things you see are the nationality and position of the player, followed by their club. So, when you get a Croatian centre-mid who plays for Real Madrid, we'd forgive you for momentarily losing control of your bladder. Except now you've got Mateo Kovacic – a thoroughly decent player in real life – instead of Luka Modric, and you've got a mess to clean up. Bad news all round, then.
CM – Lucas Silva
Like Kovacic, Lucas Silva would be a very respectable signing in Career Mode – or for your favourite club in real life – but in Ultimate Team he's just so-so. We've been tricked before into thinking we just got PSG's Thiago Silva – who happens to be one of the best centre-backs in the game – before having a little tantrum and cussing out the Ultimate Team gods.
CAM – Thorgan Hazard
Ah, yes, Thorgan Hazard – the king of annoying Ultimate Team cards. You just packed a Belgian left-mid called Hazard, but it's not the great man Eden. It's Master Thorgan instead, for the 10th time in a week. Granted, it's not his fault that he's the brother of one of the greatest footballers on the planet, but we might be able to stomach it better if he didn't seem to appear once every five packs. Remember in Pokémon Red and Blue, when you'd spend hours walking through Viridian Forest to find a Pikachu, but all you'd encounter were inert Metapods? Thorgan Hazard is the Metapod of Ultimate Team.
ST – Falcao
Undoubtedly the best player in this team, but boy, what a letdown. Remember what it felt like to get Fernando Torres in a pack a couple of years ago? The flash of joy and excitement, before you remembered that he plays for Chelsea now, and he couldn't hit a barn door. Falcao is Torres in 2015 – stats are still decent, but not worth the sadness of remembering that he used to be really great and, more importantly, used to sell for a fortune on auction.
ST – Arkadiusz Milik
Again, Milik is a really promising striker in real life, but Ultimate Team doesn't care about that. If you just got a Polish striker in a gold pack, congratulations! There are only two of them, and the other one is destroyer of worlds Robert Lewandowski. Let's compare. Lewandowski pace? 80. Milik pace? Less than 80. Lewandowski shooting? 85. Milik shooting? Less than 85. You get the point. Better luck next time, though.